Be warned, it’s another personal one. With NSFW (hot) pictures.
I was always a bit disappointed that I grew breasts as a teenager. They kind of got in the way. You had to suddenly wear bras and stuff, and you couldn’t wear clothes without looking slutty. Later on they got me modeling work so that wasn’t so bad, I guess. Swimsuits have never really fitted properly since – sport suits aren’t designed for girls with amble boobage and neither are triathlon suits really. It’s the armholes you see, they get pulled foward and out of shape. So you’re always showing off a bit of sideboob in a swimsuit, and the back straps always dig in a bit too much.
But alas, it happened. I grew a set of breasts that apparently other people are envious of. I know this because people tell me that I’m lucky. They’d be even more lusty if they realised I almost never wear a bra because even at almost 30 years old I don’t need to. I put that down to a punishing sport regime when I was younger, especially the powerlifting.
On and off for about the last ten years I’ve contemplated having a breast reduction. I’ve always not gone through with it for one reason or another. Mostly because partners said they’d be upset if I had it done, or lack of money. Well now that I’m far more independent I’m starting to take it seriously again. The problem is though that cosmetic surgeons are really reluctant to do it. Sure they’ll take a size or two out, but they won’t reduce you all the way down to ‘tomboy’ because it doesn’t fit into their ideas of female beauty standards.
I mean, I get why they’re concerned. Because the gender binary doesn’t really support female masculinities in any form. It must be difficult to try and understand a whole new way of thinking that doesn’t simply separate people into ‘man’ and ‘woman’. I like being masculine. I like wearing masculine clothes. I’m frustrated that masculine clothes don’t fit my body (and I am sad for the gorgeous black shirt in my wardrobe that I’ll never wear because it doesn’t quite fit over my hips). I’d also like to look masculine while naked.
It’s not so much of an ask really, is it? To be able to present your body in a way that feels authentic.
I mean, yeah the scars worry me. And of course the surgery itself – the surgery I had last year wasn’t very kind on the recovery period. In fact I’m still recovering. But it’s starting to feel more right than ever that I start saving for this. Aside from anything else I have several partners who are wonderful and supportive rather than telling me that they’d like me less if I got it done. I feel like perhaps I’m in the right place now to seriously consider it.
It’s not so much that I want to be a man, but rather than I don’t really feel like I’m ‘female’. I inhabit some slightly odd space in the middle, of being a masculine woman who doesn’t feel the need to conform to gender standards.
It’s quite nice being here in the middle though. I do like it.